Yesterday was Nic’s birthday and the first time we had talked in 12 days which is definitely the longest I’ve gone without talking to him since I met him. It feels very weird. I texted him because I wanted to be a part of his birthday any way I could without actually being there and we talked briefly. It was a good talk, but damn I wish I could’ve been there with him. Not all of his friends have unfollowed me on social media, so I saw that he went out with them for drinks. I wish I could’ve been there to buy him his first drink and to hold his hand all night.
Coming to terms with all of this is very hard. One part of me is still in love and wants to be with him, but the other part of me needs to feel that sense of freedom. I don’t know how to explain it, but I need to be able to depend on myself again. I became too dependent and complacent and that scares me, but damn I miss him. I wish we could both take a year or two to work on ourselves and establish who we are as a people and then come back together. That would never be guaranteed though. It would be selfish to ask him to wait for me. He could fall in love with someone else as soon as he realizes he’s over me and my problems and I would have to be okay with that. I just want him to be happy whether that involves me or not.
I’m just feeling a lot of different pains and I’m not sure how to process them. I guess that’s just part of my whole mission to know myself better. Writing these little entries has been helping. Just getting it out of my head and tucked away somewhere else.
I watched “Someone Great” on Netflix right before we broke up. That movie really resonated with me. They way she hears specific songs that take her back to an exact moment she had with her ex-boyfriend. But even more so when she writes an entry into her journal about their relationship.
“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time? One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. My hope is if we add up the ‘one mores,’ they will equal a lifetime, and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more ‘one mores.’ I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you, for me. But not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn’t just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it will always be. Because it was us. And we were magic. Forever.”
In the movie, her and her boyfriend were together for nine years. Nic and I were together almost a year and a half. I know I could’ve tried to work out the relationship, but I think I knew that my personal problems were too big to push aside. I didn’t want us to end in a messy, nasty parting of ways. I wanted it to be amicable in the hopes that we would remain in contact and at least have the potential of continuing things down the road. I think we could have “one mores,” but I can only find that out in time.