A Fresh Perspective

5/21/19

Today is the first day that I am actively making the choice to get better. I have been letting myself sink into this depression. I’ve been criticizing every move I’ve been making, I’ve been doubting who I am, and I’ve stopped believing in myself.

Not anymore.

I had lunch with Jalen yesterday when I was feeling miserable. He really pulled me up out of the dark place I was in and helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I talked to Lorenzo too, he told me I was being too hard on myself and that I can get back to who I used to be. I think I really just needed to hear all of that. I’ve spent the last couple weeks putting myself down and making myself out to be the most horrible person in the world.

Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s okay as long as you learn from it. Today I am going to start loving myself again. I am doing my best. I am enough. My past is not a reflection of my future. I am smart enough to make my own decisions. I deserve to have joy in my life. My life is a gift and I appreciate everything I have. I don’t need someone else to feel happiness. I’m allowed to make mistakes; they don’t make up my whole story.

I will remember these affirmations and choose to believe them everyday. I will be okay, I will be okay.

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Regression

5/20/19

It’s been a little over a week since I last wrote anything here. I wish I could say I’ve made some progress, but I actually think I’ve regressed which hurts me even more. I’m just lost, I don’t know how else to verbalize what I’m feeling. I used to be so independent and now I can’t stand being alone. Like what happened to me? I miss the old me, she wasn’t afraid to do things on her own, she definitely didn’t need a man to survive, and now I feel like I’m letting her down. I don’t know how to get back to her.

An old friend from college and I had reconnected since all of this happened because we were going through the same thing. It was nice to have someone around to confide in and talk to who knew what I was feeling, but I felt myself getting attached to having him around. I was just desperate to cling onto someone because apparently I’m not capable of being on my own anymore. Him and his girlfriend got back together though, which I’m really happy for them because that’s always the goal when you still love someone, but now I feel even more alone. It’s also a combination of house sitting while Rowen is gone. As much as I love her house, being in it alone is actually really depressing and it’s just emphasizing the fact that I’m alone.

I just want to be like I used to be. I didn’t realize being in a relationship would make me feel so dependent on another human. I think I should start going to therapy again and see if I can work some of this out. For now, my body is achey with this feeling of emptiness. I hadn’t really cried in a while, but I met up with Nic’s friend’s ex and we just talked about everything that had happened which brought up a lot of feelings I’ve been trying to hide. After I got home from that, I just sat in a chair and cried.

This shit is just getting harder. I wanna run away to some foreign country and disappear for a year. This heartbreak is just the hardest I’ve ever had to deal with and I don’t know how to cope with it all. I’m just unsure of what I’m supposed to do.

Can I be honest with you?

5/10/19

I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I used to know how to deal with my emotions and process them quickly, but this time they are so deep. You are the first person I’ve ever truly loved and the first person I’ve actually integrated into my life. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do. How will I go to work knowing you’ll never meet me here for lunch again? Who else will I share my day with now that I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. How will I celebrate all the holidays and birthdays when I’ll be missing you the whole time?

5/11/19

I feel like I’m getting worse and worse. I listened to a lot of Rhye because all of their songs speak on the feelings that come with relationships and I felt connected to a lot of them. Then, when I was driving home from work and I played “Someone New” by Banks, I just started crying. That song is almost our exact situation all rolled into a song and it hit every nerve in my body.

Deborah and I hung out at night. We smoked at the beach and went to this bar. Big mistake, it just made me miss him. I was watching this couple that reminded me of Nic and I. They were having fun just dancing with each other and kissing each other at the bar. I wanted to be here with him. I feel like such an idiot. I feel like I’ve made this massive mistake, but it’s too late.

I want to believe that if we got back together right now, things would be different from last time, but I don’t know for sure. I miss his laugh, his hair, his silly dance moves, everything. I don’t know if I can handle days getting harder as each day passes. I feel broken, lost, and incomplete.

Birthday

5/9/19

Yesterday was Nic’s birthday and the first time we had talked in 12 days which is definitely the longest I’ve gone without talking to him since I met him. It feels very weird. I texted him because I wanted to be a part of his birthday any way I could without actually being there and we talked briefly. It was a good talk, but damn I wish I could’ve been there with him. Not all of his friends have unfollowed me on social media, so I saw that he went out with them for drinks. I wish I could’ve been there to buy him his first drink and to hold his hand all night.

Coming to terms with all of this is very hard. One part of me is still in love and wants to be with him, but the other part of me needs to feel that sense of freedom. I don’t know how to explain it, but I need to be able to depend on myself again. I became too dependent and complacent and that scares me, but damn I miss him. I wish we could both take a year or two to work on ourselves and establish who we are as a people and then come back together. That would never be guaranteed though. It would be selfish to ask him to wait for me. He could fall in love with someone else as soon as he realizes he’s over me and my problems and I would have to be okay with that. I just want him to be happy whether that involves me or not.

I’m just feeling a lot of different pains and I’m not sure how to process them. I guess that’s just part of my whole mission to know myself better. Writing these little entries has been helping. Just getting it out of my head and tucked away somewhere else.

I watched “Someone Great” on Netflix right before we broke up. That movie really resonated with me. They way she hears specific songs that take her back to an exact moment she had with her ex-boyfriend. But even more so when she writes an entry into her journal about their relationship.

“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time? One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. My hope is if we add up the ‘one mores,’ they will equal a lifetime, and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more ‘one mores.’ I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you, for me. But not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn’t just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it will always be. Because it was us. And we were magic. Forever.”

In the movie, her and her boyfriend were together for nine years. Nic and I were together almost a year and a half. I know I could’ve tried to work out the relationship, but I think I knew that my personal problems were too big to push aside. I didn’t want us to end in a messy, nasty parting of ways. I wanted it to be amicable in the hopes that we would remain in contact and at least have the potential of continuing things down the road. I think we could have “one mores,” but I can only find that out in time.

Meh

5/5/19

Today is officially day eight post-break up. I thought I was doing well, but the past couple days have been rough whether I wanted to admit it or not. I’ve been keeping myself busy with work, projects, and working out which seemed to be working.

Then on Friday, my coworker asked if I wanted to go with her to a local festival that I was really excited about, so we left work early and went. It was a lot of fun until I looked around while I was watching MGMT and realized I was surrounded by couples. Couples dancing, kissing, hugging and then the sadness hit. I wanted to be experiencing that or be able to tell Nic where I was and how I felt, but I couldn’t. After that, my mood completely went downhill and I wanted to leave.

Yesterday I went to a friend’s bridal shower, I dressed up and actually got ready and wore the ladybug dress that Nic picked out for me that one day we went to a vintage market. I couldn’t help but think about if he would say how pretty I looked in it.

I’ve known my friends were getting married for a while, but I guess the fact that their wedding is almost here is making it more of a reality. I’m so far from that in my life and I know everyone is on their own path, but it scares me death that my friends are taking these huge commitments when I’m nowhere near them.

They threw a party after the shower and I was fully prepared to get hammered. I’ve been using alcohol as a way to escape my pain, but I think my body knows me better than I want to admit because I couldn’t do it. I had a good buzz on and then people started bringing it up.

I felt the pity in their tone, but I also knew that they just cared about me. It bummed me out though. It made me check his Instagram and then I made Rowen take my phone away because I was getting depressed. After that, I didn’t want to drink anymore. I think I know that no amount of substances will make me forget the pain and sadness I’m feeling.

God I miss him. I just want to talk to him. See how he’s doing, what he’s feeling, what’s new in his life. I know I don’t have that privilege anymore, but I can admit I miss him and I’m not really okay right now. I will just keep living and trying my best. For now, it’s time for bed.

Baby Steps

4/30/19

It’s day three and today has been 10 times better than yesterday. I think I only checked his Instagram three times to see if he deleted me from his virtual world. He hasn’t yet. After yesterday’s meltdown, I talked to my mom, my friend Tiffany, and my best friend Rowen which helped a lot. I keep trying to hold it together, but I just have to let myself feel all of this. 

I’m keeping myself busy. All of my friends are being so supportive, even ones I haven’t seen in a while. I decided to look into tarot card reading because a lot of readings I’ve come across lately are really resonating with me. I want to learn to become more intuitive and in tune with myself. That was the main reason we broke up, I needed the time to figure myself out. This seemed like a good place to start.

Today is also the 6th anniversary of Chance The Rapper’s second mixtape, “Acid Rap.” Chance used to be one of my favorite musicians, but in the last two years I’ve definitely lost touch with him. As silly as it sounds, I think it was special that this mixtape presented itself in my life today. This mixtape got me through a lot back in the day and it reminds me of nothing but utter joy. I played it in its entirety and wow, it took me back. It immediately lifted my mood and made me hopeful that this is all gonna be okay. I am going to be okay.

So, thank you Chano. You’ve been the soundtrack to some of my happiest memories and you continue to make me happy. I can do this, baby steps.

Breakdown

4/29/19

It’s day two. I didn’t sleep well and I woke up and immediately thought of him. After I wrote my post last night, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and just broke down and cried. I’ve been trying to keep it all in, not make my friends or family worry about me, but that was a shit plan.

I got ready for work thinking about how I’d usually be getting a good morning text from him and then remembering that I wouldn’t be this morning or the next. I almost cried putting on my makeup and I overestimated myself because I put mascara on. I parked at work and immediately started crying. Luckily I come in an hour early, so no one would see me crying at my desk.

I called my mom and just started crying into the phone. I’m having a very tough time with all of it. I feel more lost now than I did before. I miss him, I just want to hug him and spill all my feelings to him. He wanted to work it out so bad, but I was focused on saying I couldn’t because that’s what my head had been saying the whole week. I feel like I made a mistake, but I’m so emotional, I really don’t know.

I need to make it through this week to see how I really feel. I know I still love him, but I was set on the fact that I needed to be on my own to fix my personal problems because I didn’t want to drag him down with me as I figure myself out. Maybe it is possible to find yourself while still dating someone. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to figure it all out. I’m bound to fuck up at this point. I know if we’re meant to be together, it will happen no matter what.

My dad always says how this life is already mostly planned out for us. Our lives are like coloring pages and now we’re just meant to color it in whether that’s blue because we suffered heartbreak or yellow for those sunny and memorable days. I have to trust in that and know that this is all a part of my journey. And if we are really meant to be, then I must trust in us.