Long time, no write. I just reread my last post and it hit me; I’m officially on the other side of that heartbreak I was feeling. It feels so good to see where I am now. I’ve been journaling so much lately, creating healthy routines, doing shadow work, finding ways to love myself and raise my self-esteem. I’m a big “We’re Not Really Strangers” fan and I have the self reflection journal set and the Own It expansion pack. The other night I pulled a card that said “What door are you most grateful for closing that felt like the end of the world at the time? What did it open for you?” I thought that break up was the end of my world when it happened, but I’m so grateful that I pulled through. I feel closer to myself now, I’m doing things that make me happy, I’m evaluating what’s adding to my life and what’s draining me. I just feel lighter and like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’ve got a lot to work on still, but this path feels good and nourishing. The rest of the year is bringing so many changes for me in terms of where I’m living and career. I’m ready to bask in the fact that I won’t be comfortable because I am welcoming the challenges and change. They’re going to lead to such wonderful things and deepen the relationship with myself.
Main goals:
Stop people-pleasing
Set healthy boundaries
Stop relying on the gratification of others to feel good about myself
I haven’t written on here in a while. A lot has happened in that in between. But what put me in this need to write today was a dream.
Some backstory first: I know I sound like a broken record, my ex this, my ex that. We broke up last year, but at the beginning of this year, things were starting to rekindle, there was just so many feelings between us still. Then it fizzled out with quarantine. I could tell he was seeing someone new; he was speaking to me differently, acting different. I was happy he found someone new, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less that you’re now drifting from that role you used to play. It’s being filled by the bright new soul in their life, their new memories writing over your old ones.
I wanted to be supportive though, I want him to be happy, so I put on my happy face and tried to be okay talking about her and then I saw them in person and I fucking froze. Literally my body starting shaking and I wanted to cry, but that would look insane. So I quickly walked to get my coffee as fast I could so I could leave without him seeing me. Of course he saw me though and sent me a text that he was grateful for all we shared together. Oof. I know it was meant to be nice, but damn that just hurt. So I muted him on social media, I just didn’t want to check up on him and see a new picture of her cause then I would be sad the entire day. After a while, I thought maybe it was good to expose myself to seeing his new life in hopes that it would desensitize me…nope. So of course, I talked to Tiffany and she said I should block him for now instead of torturing myself, so I did. I blocked him on everything, not out of hate or malice, it was just physically and mentally hurting me to have to just watch his perfect new life with a new beautiful girl. I just wanted to give myself the time and space to heal so we could be friends again and I wouldn’t be so hurt anymore.
Now back to that dream. I was doing so well, I’ve been keeping busy and totally invested in my education and career and then I had a dream this morning. Me and my ex met up, he was telling me how in love he was with his new girlfriend, he said she shared poetry with him and he handed me a poem saying she found one that perfectly encapsulated how he used to love me. He showed me a painting she made for him and camper van that they shared. A camper van I always wanted. I had so much to say in the dream, so much I wanted to say to get the closure my soul wished for, but I couldn’t get the words out, much like when we were in a relationship. I finally garnered the courage to say what I wanted and then I woke up. I woke up with this empty feeling and sadness. I was on such a high the night before after getting so much good news and this dream completely wiped me out into depression.
I fucking hate that.
I knew writing would make me feel better though. I’m dumping all this sadness here so it doesn’t occupy my body anymore. I’ve thought about just texting him to tell him that me blocking him isn’t because I’m mad or don’t like him anymore, it’s just to help me move on, but it sounds a bit pathetic to me cause I doubt he’s even noticed I blocked him. But if he somehow reads this, I guess he’ll know that way.
I just got back from Vietnam and as per usual I feel this odd feeling of being back, like this life at home is something I kind of know, but it’s not entirely familiar. Vietnam was a wild time, I experienced a lot, but I found myself talking about and missing my ex a lot. I was traveling with my friend who knows our relationship so well, I kept saying oh me and nic would do this, I remember with nic did this, blah blah blah. I know I kept talking about him, but I couldn’t stop. He was traveling the same time as me, just two countries over. I think it just made me wish I was with him or he was there with me.
I think after a breakup you reflect and see what you wish you could’ve done better, what you wish you could change. I’ve been doing a lot of that. I get an attitude that I don’t really know how to control sometimes, I got complacent instead of keeping things fresh and exciting, but it was my first real relationship, so I know I can’t beat myself up about it. But knowing what I know now makes me want to try again.
Since I was traveling with my friend, we would talk about a lot of stuff and being selfish came up. She asked how I feel about nic and I told her that although I’m not done working on myself and not ready to date again, I’m terrified of him meeting someone new which is incredibly selfish. I want him to be happy even if that doesn’t include me, but it’s hard to be so accepting when I still care for him. I think it’s human nature to feel this way though. It’s hard to give up someone or something you love, but it’s not right to have someone wait for you when feelings are never set in stone.
So I’m just sitting in this feeling, not sure what to do. I wasn’t really going to write this, but he texted me, “glad you got home safe!” and I started crying. Like damn dude, get it together! I’m a mess which is fine and I’m realizing is just a part of being me. My life is very unknown right now, but as long as I’m reflecting and feeling my emotions completely before acting out, I think that’s a really good place to be in. I’m not sure what the point of me writing this was, but I feel a lot better getting it out. I could’ve written this in my journal, but I ran out of pages and I feel like no one actually reads this, so maybe it’s safe here.
When traveling out of a backpack, you can always leave something out.
I can admit I’m not the best packer. I always push it to the last minute and I always feel the need to bring an outfit for every situation I may encounter. I tend to fantasize a lot about what I will experience when I go somewhere or when I’m with someone which is not always great because I end up getting disappointed about 70% of the time that my outlandish made up expectations don’t play out in real life. But, that’s something I’m slowly working on day by day. ANYWAYS, I pack a lot of unnecessary items because “xyz” might happen and I NEED to wear this exact outfit. I knew when I started planning this trip, I only wanted to bring one backpack. I packed as minimally as I have ever packed in my life and packed that bag to the brim. After about the first week of my trip, I realized that to really live off the bare minimum, I could’ve left so many things behind and saved my back from carrying a couple less pounds. I think my backpack came in at 17 pounds.
2. If staying in a hostel, EARPLUGS!
I flew from San Francisco to London to Vienna which totaled in at about 20 hours of traveling. I booked my flight with a cheap airline, so I didn’t get a meal on the plane and if I don’t eat, my body gets weak so quickly. Once I arrived at my hostel in Vienna, I was happy, but so fatigued and ready for rest. I climbed into bed ready for sleep and then realized the person sleeping under my bunk was the loudest snorer ever. I could not fucking ignore it. I blasted music in my headphones, I put on ocean waves, rainfall sounds, and started desperately texting my mom that I couldn’t fall asleep, but that I could feel my body begging me to sleep. I slept for two hours that night and in the morning, I went straight to reception and bought a pair of earplugs.
3. No matter how far away you go, you will always find other Americans.
I try to stay away from other Americans when traveling because the main reason I travel is to get away from what is familiar to me and to immerse myself into the culture of where I am. However, I always find them or they always find me. I stayed in hostels a majority of my trip too, so I knew it’d be inevitable. I did meet two Americans that were actually pretty cool though, they shared the same outlook on travel that I have and were around the same age, so going to the Berlin kink club that all the under 21-year-olds were trying to go to wasn’t their top priority.
4. Walking around without a plan is usually the best way to experience a city.
As I travel from place to place, I have realized that the best way to experience a city is to walk aimlessly until something interests me. Now don’t get me wrong, I mark the must-see historical attractions, but I don’t like to stay in the tourists spots forever. I usually buy one of those city bus tours the first day so I can get a bird’s eye view of the city and jot down what I want to see more in depth. After that, I just walk toward whatever looks interesting or different than what I know. That’s when the best thing occurs: spontaneity! I’ve come across wonderful musicians, open air markets, amazing cafes, quirky shops, and interesting people. My last night in Berlin, I was getting flustered because I wanted to get someone the perfect gift and I hadn’t found anything. I decided to walk in a direction I never went before and stumbled upon a shop called God Bless You. I thought the name was interesting, but I wasn’t fully sold on walking in. I walked in and found racks of patches. I found a mixer board patch that was the perfect gift I was looking for. After, I wandered into this Mexican restaurant because I wanted a margarita and there I met Daniel and Rolf (which I’ll get into later).
5. No matter how good you are with your ex or how long it’s been, watching someone you used to be with kiss someone new is something I’d never wish on anyone.
This was something I didn’t think would experience, but I’ll keep it brief. Even though you have healed from a heartbreak, moved on, and eventually became friends with your ex, seeing them kiss their new partner is not a good feeling. It’s kinda gross? Even though she was the coolest person ever, I didn’t need to see it happen in front of me. Not to sound like a high schooler, but I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. It’s awkward and I had to look away. However, I am happy that they found each other, just don’t make out when I’m standing next to you please.
6. Sometimes when you’ve been alone for so long, you want to stay alone.
I was staying in hostels most of the time and staying with friends for two stops. I felt the need to socialize and introduce myself to everyone at every hostel I stayed at, but to be honest, I realllllllly enjoyed the alone time. I am an introvert through and through. It’s only when I feel comfortable that I will come out of my shell. Alone time is a necessity for me to function as a human being. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to socialize which I know sounds silly, but it’s true. Even with my closest and most loved friends, I still need to take the time to be with myself, but it’s never personal, just necessary for me to recharge and refresh.
7. Watching people show affection in Europe is way cuter than watching people show affection at home.
I think Europeans naturally show more PDA than Americans. I was surrounded by it, in the metro, on the streets, in the park, and the grocery stores. I remember one couple so perfectly. I was on a paddle boat in Prague, just taking in my surroundings, and I saw this couple on the side of the river. They were sitting so that their legs were intertwined, but they were facing each other. I had never seen so much passion and love between two people. The way they just looked into each other’s eyes, the way she caressed his face in her hand, the way he ran his fingers through her hair, and pulled her in for a kiss. I was mesmerized, but also trying not to be creepy by staring. But damn, I just had never seen a physical connection like that in real life and I wanted it so bad. Our boat kept floating further away, so I snapped a quick, blurry picture. I hope that couple stays together and shares that love for their whole relationship.
I had to include them, hope you’re still out there loving each other.
8. It is exhausting reintroducing yourself every time you go somewhere new.
I moved locations about every 3/4 days which meant introducing myself all over again and having to explain where I’ve been, how long I’ve been traveling, where I’m from, why am I here, and why I picked this city. I swear this is like the unofficial survey for international hostels. Not that it’s a bad thing, but after awhile it gets tiring. Then I realize I won’t see any of these people ever again and it doesn’t make sense to put effort into something that I don’t see lasting. Maybe that’s cynical or maybe it’s just realistic. You can decide 🙂
9. Don’t let the expectations of a city dictate how you enjoy that city.
I feel like every city is known for specific activities, so typically you would do them all because you’re in that city. I especially felt this in Berlin. Berlin is notorious for their exclusive techno clubs and risqué kink clubs. The first night I arrived, a lot of people were planning on attempting to get into Kit Kat Club which is essentially a fetish club where the dress code is really no clothes and people can have sex on the dance floor. People were trying to find fetish shops to try and buy collars or anything latex, but came up empty. To be honest, the club sounded interesting, just something so out of the norm that you want to see it for yourself, ya know? But, no one was able to actually procure an appropriate outfit, so they made a new plan to try to get into the elusive Berghain at 2AM. Maybe I’m just getting old, but none of this sounded fun to me. I didn’t really want to go to any wild techno party there. I think it was mainly because I was alone, I’m all for taking chances, but going alone to a club far from where I was staying and then having to wait in line for 3 hours and still have the possibility of not getting past the bouncer didn’t sound appealing to me. Moral of the story: don’t feel bad about not doing everything a city has to offer if it’s not your cup of tea. There will always be so many other things to do!
10. Eat everything and anything that speaks to your soul.
Insecurity about the way I look is something I know everyone faces at some point, but is also something that I don’t really share with anyone. I know I’m already skinny, so I should have nothing to worry about, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing I looked a certain way. I also know I eat differently than most. I eat extremely slow (which you would know if you’ve ever shared a meal with me), eating out also gives me this weird anxiety where I get full extremely fast even though I barely ate anything. Eating in the comfort of a secluded place and with people I’m close with is the only time I can eat normally to be honest. I’ve never stopped myself from eating or anything, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t indulge in too much of something or get that second dessert because I’m starting to bloat. Ugh, don’t even get me started on bloating. Anyways, I am here to tell you to forget all that shit. I know, you’re probably thinking no shit Raych, but sometimes it’s hard to get past those superficial things. But, man did I eat on this trip. The one thing that stood out to me was this chocolate almond loaf. Holy fuck, it was so good, I got it every single morning I was in Berlin. I asked for the recipe, they obviously said no, but now I’m on a mission to recreate it. I surprisingly ate a lot of Vietnamese food, found one extremely good Mexican spot in Prague, ate all the cheese my body could take and I ended my trip eating gelato at my favorite shop in Nyhavn, buying two bags of gifflar, and going to the Netto bakery section and buy 3 berliners (which I would eat almost every morning in Denmark) that I ate in my bed while watching Parks and Rec. Vacation is essentially made for indulging, so eat everything you come across, I promise it’ll make you happier.
11. Don’t be intimidated to do things because you don’t know the language.
I used to be terrified to go eat somewhere or buy something because I thought I would be judged for only knowing English. Europeans typically know at least one or two languages, so I always feel a little dumb when I go abroad. I even try to learn some phrases in the language of the country I’m going to, but I’m never confident enough to ever say them. As long as you are kind, people will not judge you. Learning hello, please, and thank you will go a long way though! Only a handful of times have I encountered someone who didn’t speak any English, but we still found a way to understand each other!
12. Be aware, but never too closed off.
So back to meeting Daniel and Rolf. They started talking to me and told me the food at the Mexican restaurant wasn’t good, but that the Vietnamese place next door was and they would love for me to join them. They paid for my drinks, my dinner, and then I went out to a piano bar with them. I had great conversations with them about life and as the alcohol kept pouring, the conversation got deeper. I was talking to Daniel and he asked me what my favorite part about myself is. I struggled to answer, I have trouble admitting that any part of myself is good or should be showcased. So then he told me his favorite parts about me. He said the fact that I came out with them even though they were strangers said a lot about me. He said that he could tell I’m adventurous and open to what life has to offer. He said I had a kind smile and that my hair was beautiful and will attract any man I wanted. I laughed at that last part. I’ve never been one who’s confident enough to flirt with someone I found attractive or think that I’m a certain level of pretty. I have a really hard time taking any sort of compliment. But, we kept talking and we had a really nice conversation that I’ll never forget. None of this would have happened if I didn’t walk in that unknown direction though.
13. Be genuine.
This applies to life in general, but especially while traveling. Maybe I’m more honest with people abroad because I know I probably won’t see them again, but I swear, they know when you’re bullshitting them. When I was talking to Daniel, I told him about my new rule for myself. I don’t have time for bullshit anymore. Either you’re real with me from the start or nothing. Now I’m not saying you have to spill your whole life story to me the first time we meet, but just be real. Don’t put up any fake personalities because the truth is, if you’re gonna click with someone, you’re gonna know pretty quickly. There’s a scene from the movie Almost Famous when Russell is tired of the fake rockstar bullshit and he says, “From here on out, I’m only interested in what’s real.” So these typical teenagers from Kansas invite him to their house party and he goes and drinks punch with acid in it and jumps off the roof into the pool. That whole experience kinda kicks his ass and affects him to where I think he realized he needs to work on himself and although he sometimes disagrees with them, he knows the people around him are there for him. Then there’s a spark of hope and unity for everyone as they sing “Tiny Dancer” on the tour bus together as it drives away. Now that’s a dramatic example of the search to find genuine human beings to share company with, but it’s always been memorable to me.
14. Being alone doesn’t allow you to hide from your flaws.
This is gonna be a long one. The purpose of this trip was more about me rather than going to these destinations. I’m at a weird point in my life. I went through a breakup which left me feeling like I completely lost myself. I was never too dependent on a man, I would go to concerts by myself regularly, and I didn’t worry about not having anyone to text. But then I had that and suddenly, it was like I needed to be with someone. I became comfortable in the fact that I had someone to do everything with. I guess that’s the point of the relationship, but it went past that fine line and into co-dependency; there wasn’t a balance, but I didn’t realize it until now. So I was left with this shell of who I used to be. I was depressed and crying all the time. Then, it got better and then I got laid off. Now I started thinking, oh great, so now I’m just a shitty human incapable of doing anything right! I started thinking about next moves, all these things that seemed exciting to me, but I didn’t have the resources to do. Then I started getting into astrology, psychology, self-reflection, and introspection. I know I’m far from perfect and have some internal things that need to be fixed, but I never really knew how to address them. I started hanging out with someone I’ve actually known for quite a while, but never actually hung out with. We’re about the same age, but he seems so wise to me. He is the first person in my life I’ve ever been able to have mature conversations about relationships, the disillusionment of love, and how important communication and understanding are. Hearing the way he spoke about these things made me want to be better, be more open. Anyways, that was my catapult. I went to Boston shortly after and opened up to one of my closest friends and after playing We’re Not Really Strangers, we became a hell of a lot closer. It was there that I decided, two weeks from that day I would go backpack in Europe by myself. I was forced to face myself when I was moody, when I ran into problems, when I had an attitude and pushed it onto other people, when I got sad, when I wished I had a significant other, and when I realized I’m not sure what my next move is. I did a lot of journaling which is very therapeutic to me. I talked a lot to myself in the least creepy way possible. I had a really fucking good time with myself whether I was walking around aimlessly or dancing with myself in a crowded club. I know I have some ugly parts, but I’m actually owning up to them now and actively keeping myself accountable to change them and evolve. I’m so glad I took this trip because it was my first step toward being better.
15. A new perspective and location can do wonders for your creativity.
I’ve always loved music, but I’ve always felt like I was incapable of creating my own original music. I’ve felt the urge to create, yet there has always been this barrier that’s prevented me from doing so. I can’t explain it better than that. This trip included lots of long flights, train rides, and buses. I spent a lot of time sitting and staring out at beautiful landscapes while listening to amazing music. Then I started writing. I love the Notes app, it is my favorite thing in the world. I started one titled “lyrics? thoughts?” and I was adding to it everyday. I was feeling so many things, I knew I had to write them down. I started hearing melodies in my head. I got a hold of a friend’s guitar and made a verse that I think is actually decent. It was all just flowing. I hope I can continue that flow now that I’m back home.
16. Reach out to people you know in a city they’re from even if you’re not that close.
I met up with a girl that I met in Denmark. She was my other friend’s floor-mate and very good friend. She was super fun to be around, but I was never super close with her. She asked to meet up for a beer when I was in Austria, so I said yes! even though I wasn’t sure what we’d talk about. But wow, it was so good to see her! We ended up feeling a lot of the same things about jobs, boys, life, and it’s always great to have someone to reminisce about Aarhus with. Sometimes I think I’m too comfortable with not putting in the effort to see people I don’t get to see all the time. I’m hoping to improve on that.
17. Always have a killer playlist to walk down cobblestone streets.
I’ve been introduced to a lot of great music lately. My favorite part of hanging out with someone new is sharing music. On my trip, I made a playlist called, “I love you, I’m waiting for you on the dance floor,” which was something my friend Dan sent me a couple years ago on snapchat. I listened to it when I went on my solo walking tours, on subways and trams, and it just enhanced the whole experience. I like to think I’m just making a soundtrack for my life which is why songs mean so much to me. It makes life more exciting to me.
18. Bring your own filtered water bottle.
I drink A LOT of water daily. It’s very accessible for us to get water for free in the U.S., but in Europe it’s not the same. You have to pay 2 euro for a tiny bottle which never lasts me long. Luckily, since this was my 4th time to Europe, I came prepared with a filtered water bottle and it was a game changer. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone.
19. Open air markets will always have the best things you can buy.
In every city I visit, I try to find some open air market that sells jewelry because I love collecting rings and earrings. My favorite market I went to on my trip was one in Berlin called Hackescher Markt and came across this huge jewelry tent. I found a vinyl tent, a bunch of local food tents, and clothing. Everything is usually pretty cheap too. If you ever go to a European city, seek out the markets for sure.
20. Being alone and being lonely are two different things.
The first two times I traveled to Europe, I went essentially being alone. I went without knowing anyone, but I went with a group that I knew I would eventually find people to bond with. That’s how I met most of my closest friends right now. This trip, however, I knew that I had to go alone. I was scared to be honest, scared that I would feel lonely and homesick. There’s a strong contradiction within me of wanting to run to foreign places, but also loving the familiarity of home and what’s comfortable to me. I sprinkled in a few days to meet with a couple friends throughout, so I knew I could find some familiarity that way. After my first few days, I started to really enjoy just being with myself. I didn’t feel lonely at all. I did occasionally fight the feeling of wishing I was with someone special because it seemed like everywhere I looked, I was surrounded by couples.
21. People will stare at you when you look different & you will never feel used to it.
I don’t really like being stared at, even more than that, eye contact scares me as well (working on it). After traveling around though, I know I obviously don’t look European, but I will never be able to get used to feeling the stares from people. I don’t think it’s meant to be mean or judgmental, but it makes me insecure and my mind automatically goes there. Maybe I just pay attention to it more than others and I shouldn’t, but the journey to not giving a shit is easier said than done.
Overall, this trip was a learning experience through and through. I learned about myself, what I value, my priorities, and how I can improve. Ultimately, it was redeeming myself and reclaiming myself as an individual. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again and feel strong and confident in who I am. Of course I’m not perfect, I never will be, but I’m learning and it feels really fucking good.
It’s been quite a while since I last wrote. To be honest, the last three and a half months have been the strangest of my life. I guess they do say bad news happens in threes: I went through a break up, I got laid off, and I lost my identity of who I was and what I even enjoy doing. It felt a bit like rock bottom, but I knew it all happened for a reason.
Now I’m not religious at all, I was baptized, but I think that was only to please my grandma. I respect other religions, but none of them resonate with me and there’s not enough facts that makes me believe in any of it. I have always been a big believer of energies and signs though. I’m so sensitive to the different energies people give off and I’ve only been growing more in tune with it all as I’ve grown older which is probably why I’m so picky about who I spend my time with.
Anyways, in the midst of my downward-ish spiral, I was cleaning out my room and found a box of tarot cards that for some reason have always been in my belongings, but I have no idea where they came from. It’s an Aquarian deck from the 70s that looked relatively unused. They intrigued me, so I started researching them and seeing how they worked and aligned with astrology. I found a lot of solace in these cards. They were giving me messages I needed at that time when I asked for help. And I know, it sounds funky that I’m asking cards for help with my life. With all this stuff, tarot and astrology, of course you gotta take everything with a grain of salt. In no way do I base my entire life existence on these, but when I need a little extra encouragement and reassurance, I go to them.
This led me to want to know more about my astrological makeup. I used to be into those horoscopes in the back of my Seventeen magazine and Teen Vogue, but that was the extent of it. I didn’t know about your moon sign or ascendant sign or that your birth chart could essentially describe a good deal of who who are as a person. So I dived in and holy shit it opened my eyes to so much. I’m a sagittarius sun, capricorn moon, and taurus rising.
There’s a lot about my sagittarius sign that I agree with: always wanting to be doing something, traveling, despising routine and the mundane, being a bit careless and impulsive, putting blind faith in people, getting angry in an instant but letting it go quickly. However, every sign has something that they’re known for and I always saw that they hate commitment and want to have multiple romantic partners because they get bored easily and want to move on.
Now I do have to admit that yes, I do eventually get bored with people sometimes and want to move on, but at the same time a committed relationship is always something I’ve wanted. I could never cheat either, to hurt someone like that would physically hurt me and make me sick. But I think these counter-traits are due to my taurus placement. Really sagittarius and taurus are almost opposite signs. Sag is mutable, constantly wanting change and not being afraid to pursue it, while taurus is a fixed sign and is very stubborn against change and is comfortable in what they know.
I definitely don’t like feeling suffocated in any relationships, romantic or platonic. I don’t like being told what to do even if you’re trying to help me. There’s ways to tell or ask me things other than acting like my mom. But this also doesn’t mean that I don’t like affection or attention because I do. I need a partner that is an individual in his own right and lets me be one as well. Too much co-dependency scares me, of course I want to support and be there for my partner, but having someone rely on you for everything can weigh a lot on a person. Clinginess can get to me as well, but also if I fall for someone, I have so much love that I want to give them and show, I think I can be seen as clingy. But I suppose when you’re in a healthy, communicative relationship, it isn’t seen as clingy, it’s just how you show affection and appreciation.
Even though it sounds silly, this explains to me a lot of how I’ve always felt like a walking contradiction.
Like when I went to study abroad in Denmark, I was so excited to be in a foreign place where nothing would be familiar, but as soon as I left my family in the airport, I lost my shit. I started thinking what the fuck did I just do, I can’t do this. When I landed and my mentors dropped me off at my new home, I collapsed on the floor and just cried so hard for an hour. I was so fucking scared, I remember it so vividly. I started to unpack and I found a letter that my mom had snuck into my luggage and I cried again. No matter how much I want to do something or travel somewhere far away, there is always a part of me that is terrified of change. Every night before a new school year or new semester, I would be crying on my floor overwhelmed and my dad would always find me and tell me that I’m going to be just fine because every time something new happens, I doubt myself, but then time flies by and I’m at the finish line already and it wasn’t even that bad.
My capricorn placement describes my work ethic more than anything, but even with that there are contradictions. Most of my placements are in sagittarius, so I understand why I resonate so hard with what that sign means, but your chart is more about how all your placements work together and there’s so many other aspects that go into it.
What really sparked me to write today was a new placement I found. I follow a lot of astrology accounts on twitter and one I especially love is called @rude_astrology. They read every sign so bluntly and honestly, I fucking love it. But today they posted that whatever your Chiron placement is in reflects a wound you have.
My Chiron is in Libra, so my wound is love. I would agree with that to an extent, as of late I’ve been feeling disillusioned by love, but my whole life I’ve felt like what I had wasn’t ever entirely correct. Chiron in Libra is mostly defined as paralyzing indecision, romanticizing, trying to force peace at any price, and trouble ending relationships. UM YA. I have such a bad habit of romanticizing almost everything which leads me to be disappointed when I realized that I was wrong.
Every time I’ve had to end a relationship, I’ve become physically sick or straight up avoided them in my earlier years (not proud of that) because I was so scared to do it. This has always been something that I’ve known I needed to work on in the back of my mind. I would never use this placement as a way to justify the way I’ve acted in the past, but it’s reassuring to know that yes, I have these flaws, but now I can choose to accept that they’re there and work to change them.
With every negative there is a positive and the flip side of Chiron in Libra is that they are good at fostering peaceful communication and harmonious compromises, diplomacy, and creating beauty and heart-opening experiences. I’ve always seen myself as a mediator in my friend groups. I’m not one for drama and I usually try to diffuse it the best I can. And if I can create spaces for people that allows them to fully express themselves and open their hearts, then damn, I think that’s the most special purpose I could have in this life.
This was quite a long post, but it felt really therapeutic to express myself this way. Like I said, you might think it’s all a bunch of hoopla, but it’s really helping me understand myself and grow into a more evolved version of lil ‘ol raych. And if you ever wanna talk birth charts, hit me up 🙂
Today is the first day that I am actively making the choice to get better. I have been letting myself sink into this depression. I’ve been criticizing every move I’ve been making, I’ve been doubting who I am, and I’ve stopped believing in myself.
Not anymore.
I had lunch with Jalen yesterday when I was feeling miserable. He really pulled me up out of the dark place I was in and helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I talked to Lorenzo too, he told me I was being too hard on myself and that I can get back to who I used to be. I think I really just needed to hear all of that. I’ve spent the last couple weeks putting myself down and making myself out to be the most horrible person in the world.
Sometimes things don’t work out and that’s okay as long as you learn from it. Today I am going to start loving myself again. I am doing my best. I am enough. My past is not a reflection of my future. I am smart enough to make my own decisions. I deserve to have joy in my life. My life is a gift and I appreciate everything I have. I don’t need someone else to feel happiness. I’m allowed to make mistakes; they don’t make up my whole story.
I will remember these affirmations and choose to believe them everyday. I will be okay, I will be okay.
It’s been a little over a week since I last wrote anything here. I wish I could say I’ve made some progress, but I actually think I’ve regressed which hurts me even more. I’m just lost, I don’t know how else to verbalize what I’m feeling. I used to be so independent and now I can’t stand being alone. Like what happened to me? I miss the old me, she wasn’t afraid to do things on her own, she definitely didn’t need a man to survive, and now I feel like I’m letting her down. I don’t know how to get back to her.
An old friend from college and I had reconnected since all of this happened because we were going through the same thing. It was nice to have someone around to confide in and talk to who knew what I was feeling, but I felt myself getting attached to having him around. I was just desperate to cling onto someone because apparently I’m not capable of being on my own anymore. Him and his girlfriend got back together though, which I’m really happy for them because that’s always the goal when you still love someone, but now I feel even more alone. It’s also a combination of house sitting while Rowen is gone. As much as I love her house, being in it alone is actually really depressing and it’s just emphasizing the fact that I’m alone.
I just want to be like I used to be. I didn’t realize being in a relationship would make me feel so dependent on another human. I think I should start going to therapy again and see if I can work some of this out. For now, my body is achey with this feeling of emptiness. I hadn’t really cried in a while, but I met up with Nic’s friend’s ex and we just talked about everything that had happened which brought up a lot of feelings I’ve been trying to hide. After I got home from that, I just sat in a chair and cried.
This shit is just getting harder. I wanna run away to some foreign country and disappear for a year. This heartbreak is just the hardest I’ve ever had to deal with and I don’t know how to cope with it all. I’m just unsure of what I’m supposed to do.
I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I used to know how to deal with my emotions and process them quickly, but this time they are so deep. You are the first person I’ve ever truly loved and the first person I’ve actually integrated into my life. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do. How will I go to work knowing you’ll never meet me here for lunch again? Who else will I share my day with now that I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. How will I celebrate all the holidays and birthdays when I’ll be missing you the whole time?
5/11/19
I feel like I’m getting worse and worse. I listened to a lot of Rhye because all of their songs speak on the feelings that come with relationships and I felt connected to a lot of them. Then, when I was driving home from work and I played “Someone New” by Banks, I just started crying. That song is almost our exact situation all rolled into a song and it hit every nerve in my body.
Deborah and I hung out at night. We smoked at the beach and went to this bar. Big mistake, it just made me miss him. I was watching this couple that reminded me of Nic and I. They were having fun just dancing with each other and kissing each other at the bar. I wanted to be here with him. I feel like such an idiot. I feel like I’ve made this massive mistake, but it’s too late.
I want to believe that if we got back together right now, things would be different from last time, but I don’t know for sure. I miss his laugh, his hair, his silly dance moves, everything. I don’t know if I can handle days getting harder as each day passes. I feel broken, lost, and incomplete.
Yesterday was Nic’s birthday and the first time we had talked in 12 days which is definitely the longest I’ve gone without talking to him since I met him. It feels very weird. I texted him because I wanted to be a part of his birthday any way I could without actually being there and we talked briefly. It was a good talk, but damn I wish I could’ve been there with him. Not all of his friends have unfollowed me on social media, so I saw that he went out with them for drinks. I wish I could’ve been there to buy him his first drink and to hold his hand all night.
Coming to terms with all of this is very hard. One part of me is still in love and wants to be with him, but the other part of me needs to feel that sense of freedom. I don’t know how to explain it, but I need to be able to depend on myself again. I became too dependent and complacent and that scares me, but damn I miss him. I wish we could both take a year or two to work on ourselves and establish who we are as a people and then come back together. That would never be guaranteed though. It would be selfish to ask him to wait for me. He could fall in love with someone else as soon as he realizes he’s over me and my problems and I would have to be okay with that. I just want him to be happy whether that involves me or not.
I’m just feeling a lot of different pains and I’m not sure how to process them. I guess that’s just part of my whole mission to know myself better. Writing these little entries has been helping. Just getting it out of my head and tucked away somewhere else.
I watched “Someone Great” on Netflix right before we broke up. That movie really resonated with me. The way she hears specific songs that take her back to an exact moment she had with her ex-boyfriend, but even more so when she writes an entry into her journal about their relationship.
“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time? One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. My hope is if we add up the ‘one mores,’ they will equal a lifetime, and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more ‘one mores.’ I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you, for me. But not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn’t just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it will always be. Because it was us. And we were magic. Forever.”
In the movie, her and her boyfriend were together for nine years. Nic and I were together almost a year and a half. I know I could’ve tried to work out the relationship, but I think I knew that my personal problems were too big to push aside. I didn’t want us to end in a messy, nasty parting of ways. I wanted it to be amicable in the hopes that we would remain in contact and at least have the potential of becoming friends down the road. I think we could, but I can only find that out in time.
Today is officially day eight post-break up. I thought I was doing well, but the past couple days have been rough whether I wanted to admit it or not. I’ve been keeping myself busy with work, projects, and working out which seemed to be working.
Then on Friday, my coworker asked if I wanted to go with her to a local festival that I was really excited about, so we left work early and went. It was a lot of fun until I looked around while I was watching MGMT and realized I was surrounded by couples. Couples dancing, kissing, hugging and then the sadness hit. I wanted to be experiencing that or be able to tell Nic where I was and how I felt, but I couldn’t. After that, my mood completely went downhill and I wanted to leave.
Yesterday I went to a friend’s bridal shower, I dressed up and actually got ready and wore the ladybug dress that Nic picked out for me that one day we went to a vintage market. I couldn’t help but think about if he would say how pretty I looked in it.
I’ve known my friends were getting married for a while, but I guess the fact that their wedding is almost here is making it more of a reality. I’m so far from that in my life and I know everyone is on their own path, but it scares me death that my friends are taking these huge commitments when I’m nowhere near them.
They threw a party after the shower and I was fully prepared to get hammered. I’ve been using alcohol as a way to escape my pain, but I think my body knows me better than I want to admit because I couldn’t do it. I had a good buzz on and then people started bringing it up.
I felt the pity in their tone, but I also knew that they just cared about me. It bummed me out though. It made me check his Instagram and then I made Rowen take my phone away because I was getting depressed. After that, I didn’t want to drink anymore. I think I know that no amount of substances will make me forget the pain and sadness I’m feeling.
God I miss him. I just want to talk to him. See how he’s doing, what he’s feeling, what’s new in his life. I know I don’t have that privilege anymore, but I can admit I miss him and I’m not really okay right now. I will just keep living and trying my best. For now, it’s time for bed.
Craychel 