Dreams

I haven’t written on here in a while. A lot has happened in that in between. But what put me in this need to write today was a dream.

Some backstory first: I know I sound like a broken record, my ex this, my ex that. We broke up last year, but at the beginning of this year, things were starting to rekindle, there was just so many feelings between us still. Then it fizzled out with quarantine. I could tell he was seeing someone new; he was speaking to me differently, acting different. I was happy he found someone new, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less that you’re now drifting from that role you used to play. It’s being filled by the bright new soul in their life, their new memories writing over your old ones.

I wanted to be supportive though, I want him to be happy, so I put on my happy face and tried to be okay talking about her and then I saw them in person and I fucking froze. Literally my body starting shaking and I wanted to cry, but that would look insane. So I quickly walked to get my coffee as fast I could so I could leave without him seeing me. Of course he saw me though and sent me a text that he was grateful for all we shared together. Oof. I know it was meant to be nice, but damn that just hurt. So I muted him on social media, I just didn’t want to check up on him and see a new picture of her cause then I would be sad the entire day. After a while, I thought maybe it was good to expose myself to seeing his new life in hopes that it would desensitize me…nope. So of course, I talked to Tiffany and she said I should block him for now instead of torturing myself, so I did. I blocked him on everything, not out of hate or malice, it was just physically and mentally hurting me to have to just watch his perfect new life with a new beautiful girl. I just wanted to give myself the time and space to heal so we could be friends again and I wouldn’t be so hurt anymore.

Now back to that dream. I was doing so well, I’ve been keeping busy and totally invested in my education and career and then I had a dream this morning. Me and my ex met up, he was telling me how in love he was with his new girlfriend, he said she shared poetry with him and he handed me a poem saying she found one that perfectly encapsulated how he used to love me. He showed me a painting she made for him and camper van that they shared. A camper van I always wanted. I had so much to say in the dream, so much I wanted to say to get the closure my soul wished for, but I couldn’t get the words out, much like when we were in a relationship. I finally garnered the courage to say what I wanted and then I woke up. I woke up with this empty feeling and sadness. I was on such a high the night before after getting so much good news and this dream completely wiped me out into depression.

I fucking hate that.

I knew writing would make me feel better though. I’m dumping all this sadness here so it doesn’t occupy my body anymore. I’ve thought about just texting him to tell him that me blocking him isn’t because I’m mad or don’t like him anymore, it’s just to help me move on, but it sounds a bit pathetic to me cause I doubt he’s even noticed I blocked him. But if he somehow reads this, I guess he’ll know that way.